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Wishful Thinking

10.31.2006 @ 3:46 PM in Lifestream
I'm so tired of being single. I keep reading these blogs and watching flickr streams of couples that are so happy, or at least settled enough to get into a huge fight knowing that it doesn't mean a breakup.. just some really awesome make-up sex. Even the happy breeders are getting to me... Jen, you better hold on to Mark forever. I'll be 21 in January... but I don't feel excited or ready to be that "magic age." I don't want to hit Cathode for big ass drink night every Monday alone; sure I'll have a crowd of friends, but no one to stumble home with after Jimmy spikes my drinks. I don't want to rush into anything... I've done that so many times with total failure. I want to take it slow, with the right guy... go on a first date, then a second and third, then take him to dinner with my folks. I want a guy who isn't afraid of the possibility that maybe if we don't hate each other in a few years, will wanna fight the world to be together forever. I wanna have a kid when I get older... I know this is a long way off, but I want to raise someone special with someone special. I want to know that my life is important because I am responsible for bringing the next generation into the world to make it better than I was able to. I want to be a team with the perfect guy, I want to prove to no one but us that we are the best parents we could be. If I have a girl, I want to be that dad that scares the shit out of her first date... and if I have a boy, I want to make him the perfect gentleman. I want to freak out over my kid doing drugs or having sex... I want to be the bank of dad when he needs money to buy a car... I want to yell at her for running the cell phone bill so high. It sounds stupid, but I want to feel like shit after my kid tells me he hates me because I stopped him from doing something really stupid. I want to feel like the worst dad ever because I think I failed, then having her out of the blue give me a kiss on the cheek and say "daddy, I love you." I want to get into fights with my hubby on how to raise our kid... I want to worry together... i want to be a dad. But, first, I want to be loved by a guy who doesn't want to change me. I want to be loved for my stupid quirks and my tendency to fall apart over nothing. I want to take it slow, am I asking too much?